MONTH 19 - MONTH 21
Please
keep in mind that all children are unique. Whether
your child reaches milestones early or late, she has
her own developmental path to follow. The dividing
lines between these months are very fuzzy. If you
have any concerns or questions about your child’s
development, please check with her health care provider.
For
this trimester in your child's development, we have
decided to tackle three challenging topics that most
parents of toddlers face sooner or later: coping with
temper tantrums, what to do when a child hits or bites
and disciplining your toddler. These are three of
the most nerve-racking and emotional topics in parenting
and certainly ones with no easy answers. We hope that
this month's guide offers support to parents of toddlers
who may be just encountering these issues for the
first time but unfortunately probably not the last...
To
help you understand why your precious buttercup turns
into a writhing, screaming monster before your eyes,
it is important to understand what is happening developmentally.
Again, issues of control and independence are paramount
at this age. Whether or not a toddler can put on her
shoes by herself or get a desired object out of a
tight spot are important problems for young toddlers
to solve. These issues can lead to frustration and
culminate in an explosion of behaviors, from the typical
falling to the ground and kicking feet -- to holding
breath until passing out.
Another
reason that may set the stage for a tantrum is language
development. Around this age, a toddler is just developing
the skills to express to you her needs. Unfortunately,
you may not be able to understand all of her blossoming,
toddler-like language. Her frustration explodes into
a tantrum.
One way to prevent tantrums is to try your best to
maintain the daily routine, even if away from home.
Routines help children feel safe and in control because
they know what to expect next in their day. The smallest
change in a child's routine can produce large changes
in behavior. Also, anticipate frustration. Try to
avoid saying "No!" to a child's request and offer
alternatives. Giving your toddler choices that are
okay with you, will help her feel more in control
and may ward off that impending tantrum.
Try not to give your toddler attention during the
tantrum so that the behavior is not being reinforced.
Instead, calmly wait until the tantrum behavior(s)
has subsided and then attend to your child. Your response
depends on your child and the situation. For some,
just let it pass and move on.
Biting
and Hitting
Perhaps
few topics in parenting and child development raise
more emotions than when one child is aggressive toward
another child. It is difficult for parents not to
project thoughts of whether the "aggressor" has a
tendency toward violence or if the "victim" has a
tendency toward being targeted. Both biting and hitting
are not uncommon responses in the toddler world and
should not be reflected as part of the personalities
of children who display these behaviors. But that
is not to say that these behaviors are to be ignored;
both biting and hitting need to be addressed by parents
and caregivers immediately.
There
are many factors that can contribute to a biting or
hitting incident, with some being quite benign. For
one, when children are teething, biting can be satisfying
for sore gums. Another is curiosity. "What sort of
reaction will happen if I take a chunk from that kid's
hand?" Or, if children are bored or tired, these sorts
of behaviors may appear.
Often
biting and hitting result from a child's own frustration.
If a child is playing with a toy and another toddler
tries to take it, the first child may not be able
to express in words her feelings about having her
toy taken. Her response is a quick nip on the hand
or a shove aside.
What Can Parents and Caregivers
Do When a Child Bites or Hits?
Two
responses are very important initially. First, go
to the "victim" to comfort and then remove the "aggressor"
from the space where the altercation occurred. Again,
try not to reinforce the behavior. Do not give the
"aggressor" any positive reinforcement (no smiles,
warm eye contact, soothing voice). With whatever language
you are comfortable using and in a calm but firm voice
convey that biting or hitting is not okay. Talk to
both children briefly about what happened and remind
them of words that could have been used to prevent
the aggression.
It
is very important for toddlers to learn words, such
as 'Stop!' or 'No!' to use in this context - both
for the child who is about to have her toy taken from
her and for the child who is about to be hit. And
remember that the child who is biting or hitting needs
your guidance and support just as much as her victim.
Ostracizing or labeling her will not help her learn
to stop the behavior and may add further stress to
her in this setting and continue the problem.
Discipline
Now
that we have touched upon tantrums, biting and hitting,
it seems appropriate to tackle the next important
topic - discipline. In the toddler years, most parents
not only have to ponder their feelings on discipline,
usually based on their own experiences in childhood,
but also actually put their philosophies into play
with their young children. A toddler's developmental
"job" is to explore the limits - to test her environment
(meaning YOU) as far as it will go. This can really
push our buttons.
Setting
limits is critical for your toddler's understanding
of working with others in the world. Though you may
be tempted to give in to the wail or face-full of
alligator-sized tears, be strong and pick your battles.
Ultimately, setting limits that are consistent and
predictable makes children feel safe and helps them
progress in developing skills in self-control. Remember
to give praise when your child follows the house rules
accordingly.
Hand
in hand with discipline is acknowledging the challenges
and frustrations with parenting. It is very important
for parents to find a means to express this frustration
in a safe way for themselves and their children. We
emphasize this need because for some parents spanking
is a response to this sort of frustration under the
guise of disciplining a child. We understand that
there are many reasons why parents spank. It may be
a behavior that is ingrained in one's culture or be
passed down through generations.
What Does Spanking Teach?
Disrespect,
pain and violence will get what you want. An alternative?
Good 'ole communication. Explain in a way that is
appropriate for her age what is it that she is doing
that is not okay and why she must stop. "When you
pull the cat's tail it hurts her. You must be gentle.
If you cannot stop yourself, I will stop you." If
communication is impossible, try a diversion - "Look
at the big blue bird out the window." When all else
fails or your child is seemingly out-of-control, then
try a time-out. Remove your child from the situation.
The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age.
But try to avoid abusing the time-out; it is not meant
as a punishment or to cause shame.
If
you feel like your blood is boiling and you need a
break from your child - place your child somewhere
safe (a crib) and give yourself five minutes alone
to calm down. This is a normal response in parenting
- one that we certainly acknowledge and can appreciate.
Most of us have been there ourselves.
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